Mom Upon A Time…

     Once Upon a time, a little unlicensed doctor was born into the world.  He knew nothing yet of Sleetaks, poorly marked ground wells, basket weave fences, delicious Grape Nuts, ring pops, the rock contributions of Huey Lewis and the News, or even of dreaded Water Spouts.  Some say it was fate that they met, some say it was basic science…but the first person little future unlicensed Dr. Grimes met, was none other than the greatest unlicensed doctor he would ever know – his mom.  Unlicensed Dr. Mom. 

     Unlicensed Doctor Mom (UDM) did many things for the little, yet-unlicensed doctor.  And though recollections are hazy on these fineries and may include entries from both the factual and presumed, the list, notwithstanding, included:

— Protecting him nightly against Rage-Crazy Wolves, Snarky Vampires, and Barons.  And though her weapon of choice was never seen, it was always presumed to be a triple-barreled, stake-launcher, flamethrower, net-chucker combo. 

— Building my brother and I the tallest bunk beds ever made, keeping me, Teddy, Whaley, and my dreams of dinner plate-sized Cheeze-Its, high above any threat of lava, more lava, most lava, and unforeseen invisible snake attacks. 

— Using her UDM brain powers to deduce the most logical places where I would loose Teddy, Whaley, blankey, my list of creative names for my things, and the map I devised to never loose them. 

She also taught me many valuable lessons like…why it’s bad to bite your brother… 

…why it’s bad to touch sharp or pointy things… 

…or hot things… 

…or bitey things… 

     She, along with her UDM friends, also worked hard to dispel a myriad of myths that sought to cloud the mind of unlicensed-doctors-to-be.  We learned that Godzilla didn’t really destroy Tokyo, the moon isn’t made out of cheese (that one still hurts), and, during a multi-family camping trip one summer, we all learned the terrible, terrible truth about chicken pox and the myth of quarantining. 

———————————————————

     And though I have many more tales to tell about UDM and her unlicensed doctors-to-be, I will end here for now.  And just to update you, my dear readers, on what the greatest Unlicensed Doctor of all time is up to these days — well, it appears that UDM recently had some new mechanical parts installed to keep her Doctoring more Unlicensed than ever.  May she heal quickly and be back on the job when I go home to visit.

Thanks UDM.  I’m Welcome.

Was it me, or did Alex Trebek just greenlight the Matrix?

     Though Dr. Kabbara is still on open-ended sabbatical, I still find myself coming across the occasional query that demands two unlicensed opinions.  That’s why, every once in a while, I like to take the opportunity to invite a guest Unlicensed Doctor to share the stage with me.

     After a lengthy debate last night with an establishment owner regarding the volume and quantity of my opinions, I utilized my newly found quality time with the chilly evening sidewalks to contact one of my fellow colleagues, Dr. Duncan, in regards to a couple of items.  First I shared with him my assessment of the evening’s injustices, which, after pleasantly asking me to reduce and soften my opinions on the matter, he agreed with fully.  Take that, VFW Bingo Nazi.  And secondly, I asked him his opinion regarding an interesting reader query, of which we commiserated greatly over from the quiet and warmth of our respective subsidiaries.  Thankfully he agreed to share his thoughts with you, my knowledge-thirsty readers…and luckily we remembered them.  

Was it me, or did Alex Trebek just greenlight the Matrix?

     Hello readers!  First, I would like to thank Dr. Grimes for inviting me to help answer some of your questions this week.  I was only too pleased to answer the call.  Patient referrals, greens fees, box seats to Angels games, and sample pills to increase staff size are not the only ways we unlicensed doctors scratch each other’s backs.  But enough about the Unlicensed Doctors’ Unwavering Code of Ethics, let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

     A great many of your questions this week ponder the fate of humanity as it relates to the expanding influence of technology.  I think one of our dear readers posed it most succinctly.  The reader wrote: “Was it me, or did Alex Trebek just greenlight The Matrix?”  Of course, this reader is referring to the recent television phenomenon in which Watson, a super computer with 90 servers and an intellectual-sounding name, beat the proverbial pants off two presumably human former Jeopardy! champions. 

     What I interpret the reader to be driving at, while conveniently couching his question in an unassuming capsule of popular culture, is, “have we reached the beginning of the end of humanity as we know it?”  

     We humans have created an intelligence source that has the potential to surpass the human race in the brains department — computers.  And you may have noticed, they’re everywhere.  A mobile smartphone is really a perfect, if not haunting, example.  After all, a mobile smartphone is a powerful computer.  It is so powerful, and so evolutionarily superior to its gadget-y forbears, that it is no less than a millionth the size, a millionth the cost, and a thousand times more powerful than the most advanced computers of the 1970’s.  These statistics are true, because I read them in Time Magazine.  Whom do you know who’s a million times cuter, a million times cheaper, and a thousand times smarter than he or she was 40 years ago?    

     This is definitely a situation, dear readers.  As far as we know, computers have not been able to emulate human intelligence… yet.  But they’re definitely better than us at math.  And if they’re better than us at math, they can get better than us at other things too.   I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey.  I might have slept through half of it, but I sure perked up when HAL started getting snippy.  

Tangent: I refute the theory that computers will one day harvest our bodies for energy, as was portrayed in The Matrix.  The challenge of dwindling energy sources is something even we humans can solve!  That being said, if it is ever unequivocally confirmed that humanity possesses some quality or trait that computers never will, then break out your shades and your leather trench coats.  The day that brings the collective congratulatory inhalation of humanistic pride might be our species’ last breath.

      But don’t let that get you down!  I know I fell asleep again before the end of Kubrick’s 

2001, but I’m sure it all turned out fine.

     Look, even IF the next forty years sees the rise of the Silicon Super Species, that doesn’t mean it’s automatically doomsday for us humans!  Humans have been the super species on earth for several million years now.  And look how many other species have lived on earth successfully along with us!  See, nothing to worry about! 

     Seriously!  I have a point, and I’m getting to it.  Ready?  How have humans evolved so well over millions of years to become the current preeminent species on earth? 

     Here it is folks: by making colossal mistakes.  By making colossal mistakes, learning from them, and passing it on.  It’s our penchant for folly that has made us great!  Our first mistake in designing computers turned out to be the thing that will save us.  We designed computers not to make mistakes!  It’s their tragic flaw!  Their inability to misstep will eventually lead to a dead end.  It’s inevitable.  

     The computers’ picture-perfect mistake-less ways will see an explosion of progress as they evolve without setback until finally they burn themselves out!  Like a super-heated blaze, the computer revolution will implode on itself just as quickly as it began, having burned through all its resources before it even has time to evolve. Moral of that story; don’t get too attached to your semi-prosthetic iPhone!

     In conclusion, to answer the reader’s question in simple terms: “Was it me, or did Alex Trebek just greenlight The Matrix?”  The answer is no.  As we discussed, the premise of The Matrix is fundamentally flawed, and even if it weren’t, Alex Trebek has never made a mistake as long as I’ve been watching Jeopardy!

     So it is impossible he would have the cognitive capacity to greenlight anything.  Done and done.  And, to answer my own insightful interpretation of the reader’s question: “have we reached the beginning of the end of humanity as we know it?”  The answer is yes.  We are always at the beginning of the end of humanity as we know it.  As ever, we are incapable of imagining that which lies just beyond the horizon.  It’s one of our biggest mistakes.

Was it me, or did Alex Trebek just greenlight the Matrix?

     Thank you Dr. Duncan.  As always, your doctoral assessments of all things imagined and questioned, are as deft and unlicensed as ever.  And though my simple answer lives squarely on the opposite side of the fence as yours, that doesn’t mean we can’t wager a year’s greens fees on the fate of mankind (and by greens fees, we mean Lodge memberships) — though there will be little use of lodgian companionship after Trebek’s flagrant disregard for closed and sealed boxes labeled “Pandora.” 

     Look, I’m not saying that the human race’s Homeric public loss to Artificial Intelligence on Jeopardy!, set the story of the Wachowski brother’s epic, post-machine-revolution, dystopian films into motion – but didn’t it?  

     Now, there is no way for me to know if our Machine Rulers will one day use our bodies as batteries.  After all, we are a bit lumpy, squishy, and, at times, rather gassy.  And there is certainly no way of knowing if a select few will find a way to unplug themselves, build space ships, dawn themselves in cool-looking, monochromatic, burlap shirts, and eat paste.  But the startling truth is, the events of The Matrix have pretty much already happened right here in America.

     With a society already plugged into a soul sucking façade of reality (American news), we all watched in horror as Agent Smith (Watson) squared off against Morpheus and Neo (Ken and Brad) and not only did he stick his hands in their faces and liquid-metal their souls out, but he also gave them some scathing purple nurples, a few noogies, an Indian sunburn, and a swirlie each for good measure.  And what did we, as proud Americans do?  We posted it on Youtube so that all of our personal home computers could see it.  Ugh.

     That being said, I’d like to focus briefly on the upcoming war with the machines and offer a bit of advice.

     Considering the state of America’s educational system, I’ve crunched the numbers and here’s the deal.  The takeover will be swift and very confusing for us.  But when the dust settles, there will be 3 very distinct groups of people left behind here in the US.  And I have advice for all three.

The Servants:

     There really isn’t much you can do to turn the tide at this point.  But hopefully the machines have learned just the slightest bit of insecurity to go along with their understanding of human emotion.  If this is the case, remember, snarkiness goes a long way.  Though you won’t be able to speak, a disdainful eyebrow raise and a judgmental “Pfft” go a long way.  Every little bit helps.

The Rebels:

     Having been driven underground due to inferior weaponry and shoddy understanding of advanced logarithms, the rebels will live a dark and increasingly pungent life below the Earth’s surface.  My advice, decorate using pastels.  That should stave off the cannibalism for a few months.

The Chinese:

     Easy.  Please head back home to the motherland and help humanity on the last remaining winning front.

     So, thank you Alex Trebek.  You may not have built the Matrix.  But you sure gave it your (sadly) mustache-less stamp of approval and let the machines know — we’re game!

- Dr. Grimes 

Reader Generated Questions — Unlicensedly Answered

     Every once in a while, we here at The Universe & You’re Welcome ((and by “we,” we mean (forget that 2^nd “we”) Unlicensed Dr. Grimes, his Parent Companies (his in-home appliances), his Subsidiaries (his liquor cabinet), his guest Unlicensed Doctors (the ones who have most recently visited his subsidiaries), and viewers like you (Sleestak loathing viewers like you)) like to take the time to respond to reader generated questions.  Without your constant unlicensed queries into the Universe that surrounds and fills us, Dr. Grimes would lack the motivation to seek out, discover, coerce, bully, slide-tackle, purple-nurple, and ding-dong-ditch the answers you so achingly crave.

     A note to all readers – several Sleestaks were harmed in the gathering of these answers. 

     Tumblrbot, from far off Webly, Internetopia writes:

“WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?”

     Considering the shift into caps lock overdrive with this question, I figured I’d better answer fast.  This seems urgent.  And…hey wait a minute!  I just looked at my caps lock button.  It’s spelled in lower case!  Wtnuts!?  Shouldn’t it be CAPS LOCK?  This injustice has Sleestak written all over it.

     Well, Tumblrbot, thank you for your question.  As we all know, an inanimate object is one that contains no life bearing parts – the exception being plants – the exception of the exception being Audry II.  

     That being defined, the most important aspect to consider when choosing your favorite inanimate object is trust.  The trust that said object will REMAIN inanimate.  If Pixar, Disney, Dreamworks, most Haunted House rides, and/or a fifth of scotch have taught us anything, it’s that most, if not all inanimate objects, rarely possess the wherewithal to remain as such.  Even if they don’t move, sing, dance, or caper as soon as you turn your back, they will definitely reserve the right to sit still, silently judging your perfectly sound and well-crafted decision making process.

     So, my suggestion — leave yourself an easy out.  Make your favorite inanimate object something perishable.  My favorite inanimate object was a half eaten, 3 cheese, frozen pizza that I added extra-extra cheese to.  But soon my trust was shattered.  The piercing gaze coming from the counter behind me, the silent snickers, and the fettered judgments became too much to bear.  I put down my 3^rd dessert Bloody Mary, paused my VHS copy of Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, re-tied my pajama bottoms, drew the blinds to keep the noon-time sun out, and took care of business.  I was not haunted by that inanimate object ever again…until early that next morning. 

     So keep your inanimate objects edible, drinkable, or something large and very far away — like the Eiffel Tower or the Sphinx.  They can’t judge you from so far away.  But the postcards that bear their images sure can.  So be careful.

     Anonymous, who hails from Randomville, Incognitoberg asks:

“Whats more important, water or air? why?” 

     Great question, Anonymous, you’re not the only one to ask this question.  And most people who pose this question often keep their identities secret…and for good reason.  We, as human beings, innately feel the need to rank.  We also have strong leanings towards categorizing, pairing, filing, lumping, and jazzercising (my favorite thing about writing “jazzercising” just now, is that my spell-check recognized it and didn’t underline it in red.  Rad).  But you must be very cautious about the publicity of your personal ranking systems due to whom you may offend in the process (thank you, myspace) and the subsequent retaliation you may incur.  And in this case we’re talking about AIR & WATER.  If you offend them both, you get waterspouts.  Have you SEEN pictures of those?  As always, no thank you.

     So, consider this:  Some of the things I like to do when ranking is take into consideration who would beat who in a Michael Jackson, Beat It-style, free-hands-tied-at-the-wrist, knife fight (which, by the way, is why Cookie Monster ranks higher in my book than Elmo), who would defeat who in a Sharks & Jets style dance fight (which is why, for me, the cast of “Who’s The Boss” outranks the cast of “The Shield”), or who would be the victor in an all out “The Warriors” style gang fight (which is why the Senate Committee On Energy And Natural Resources tops the Senate Committee On Appropriations – have you seen NM senator Jeff Bingham?  

He’ll cut a sucker.  

 I think HI senator Daniel Inouye would break a knee or two for Appropriations

but I just don’t think senator Roy Blunt came to play).

…

     In your case, I would consider the latter.  If Water squared off in a 1970’s, Hollywood, Glam Gang-War against Air, think about who they’d bring to the fracas.  Water would bring a plethora of good old powerhouse Oxygen combatants and twice as many crazy, twitchy, wiry Hydrogen scrappers.  

     Now, Air would also bring Oxygen to the tumult but included in their ranks, you’ll also find Nitrogen, Carbon Dioxide, Argon (which was mostly what Phil Collins could feel coming in the air tonight), Smog, Cell Phone signals, Global Warmth, UV Rays, KFC vapors, Dreams (the ones not tangled in our Dreamcatchers), Hairspray, Bird Farts, and yes – traitorous WATER VAPOR. 

     I’m not saying it’s a simple numbers game.  It’s not certain that Air’s markedly diverse numbers will hurt or hinder its chances of victory.  That’s for you to decide. 

     And when you do, keep your rankings on this category written on a modestly sized piece of yellow-lined, scented paper (preferably lilac), contained in a vacuum-sealed envelope, and stored in a Museum.  If you do not have access to a Museum, a house safe or family tomb will do.

     Or you can just roll the dice, post your rankings on facebook, and take your chances with the waterspouts.

Good Day and You’re Welcome.

- Dr. Grimes.

CAN WE BECOME THE NEW EGYPT?

     Alright gang.  There has been a lot of talk and speculation about America falling behind the curve these days.  And I’m not going to stir the pot or kick the hornet’s nest (or stir the pot full of hornets, creating a hornet allemande sauce to be drizzled over sautéed hornets, served with a generous side portion of hornet), by saying that these speculations are in any way incorrect.  But instead of pretending that we have a chance in hell of catching up to these fitter, prettier nations taking the lead, we can at least hope to gain an edge by taking a page from the gossip celebrity magazines and do the next best thing – get drunk, be belligerent, and steal the limelight. 

     “Alright China, I see you way up there.  Yeah, go ahead South Korea.  Germany, England, France, Sweden, Denmark, Canada…keep walking.  I’m looking at YOU, Egypt.  You think you can hog the headlines with a simple Government overthrow?  Ha!  Done.  We can do that.  Piece of cake.  And our upheaval will be prettier, shinier, grander, explodier, and cryier than yours!”

     OK, you say?  What now Dr. Grimes?  Are you going to tell us how to overthrow our own government? 

     Yes. 

     Grab your pecorn, popnuts, chewing can and gumdy, citizens.  It’s about to get real overthrowy in here.

     You see, all the attempts over the years (sans our own civil war) to insight rage by pointing out governmental flaws have worked very well – in creating protests, demonstrations, and even new political parties – but they’ve fallen short.  It’s a numbers game.  And it’s so hard to get the numbers needed for real action.  How can you get everybody under one cause when we are all so torn on every issue we face?  How do we even start!? 

     Here’s how.  We make fun of Colorado.  And I’m not talking about the off-handed colorful remarks that made Family Circus a comic staple for so many years.  I am talking about belligerent, inappropriate, offence lambastings with smatterings of insults geared towards their state flag and state animals sprinkled in for good measure*.  And specifically – we need LOS ANGELES to be the one do it!  That’s right LA, it all starts with YOU.  You are our Cairo, city of Angels.  We’re going to need your ugliest insults poised at the ready and your middle fingers extended and waiving brazenly due northeast**.  And for good measure, you may want to send TMZ up there to follow the whole state around.  

     And that’s all we really need.  The chain of events will speak for themselves.  After Colorado’s “Quit It’s” and “Hey, Cut It Out’s” are blatantly ignored, they’ll finally just utter a few “Alright Then’s” and “You Asked For It’s” and take action.  They’ll stop sending LA their delicious delicious water.  

     This will have no impact whatsoever on LA’s drinking supply, as most of its consumed water is bottled and shipped from Fiji, Lake Arrowhead, and some magical watery land called Aquafina.  No, more importantly, LA will realize its imported labor can no longer water their lawns. LA’s neighborhoods will cease to look like neighborhoods of the central and eastern states where almost the entirety of it’s population migrated from and will face the realization their land is, in fact, a desert.  As misters fail to cool its zoo, ballpark, and amusement park attendees and hoses fail to clean driveways, the people will become thirsty.  And sweaty.   And LA will begin to create its finest and greatest locally produced signature staple – RIOTS. 

     With all the local businesses, educational institutions, and oriental cartoon-cute yogurt shops burned to the ground, the studios will be next.  And without a make-believe America to come home to and watch every night, and after about a week of watching only the news and saying, “Wait, this can’t be right,” America will be forced to draw the blinds and take a look at the real one.  And it won’t be pretty folks.  As soon as this place realizes it doesn’t have David Carusso to take off his sunglasses, tilt his head, and solve all of its problems, shit’s gonna get real ***. 

     And there you have it. Take that, Egypt!  If we can’t climb the rungs legitimately, we still know how to get our face in the paper.  And if television has proven anything else as of late, it’s that America knows how to take existing ideas and make them, if not better, at least bigger, more HD’ier and more…America’ier.

Dr. Grimes.  

*  Maybe start with, “Hey Colorado, your flag looks like the Commodore 64 logo.  And bit like the Chicago Cubs’ emblem.  Way to be a sucky, pixilated, out-dated gaming system and an unfortunately non-winning-the-world-series-in-quite-a-good-while baseball team!”  And “The Lark Buntuing?  Really?  The Lark Bunting?!  Wow.  Did you guys have to pick last?” 

**  If you need more insult help, just call any major Talent Agency and tell them you’re from out of town, just arrived, and would like to be represented by them.  Keep a pen and paper handy. 

      And for those of you who don’t know which direction northeast is, imagine you’ve just walked out of the Hollywood Katsuya and you want to throw your leftover rainbow roll at a homeless man out in front of the Pantages Theater.  Bam. 

***  My advice to Vermont:  kick back guys.  Throw a few lawn chairs out front, crack a few frosty ones, fire a couple of shots into the fracas to stir the pot of hornet allemande,  and have a few chuckles.  VT will be it’s own country again soon anyway.

**Sabbatical**

     Sorry for the inconvenience, folks.  Dr. Kabbara is on temporary sabbatical, gathering information, measuring ground wells, and canvassing against all things Sleestakian.  But she has approved Dr. Grimes’ post.  Do read on.  She will return as soon as she has ingested the appropriate amount of information. 

ARMAGEDDON IT? — PART 2

PART B — PREPARATION 

     Alright folks, It’s prep time.  Now that you’ve had a week to stew upon the upcoming apocalypse, laden with lava and vast arrays of inconveniences that will surely test out mettle alongside our flammability, it’s time to prepare.  Now, I’m not going to give you a plethora of suggestions and a brigade of “why dontcha’s.”  No.  I am going to lift the lever, push the button, and declare POSITACTICAL DEFINARIUM. 

     Positactical  Definarium – The plan.  Whether it’s as small as the agenda for the day during a family gathering or as grand as a nation’s strategy, the Positactical Definarium is simply – what’s happening.  Nobody is sure how the plan came to be but by gum, it’s going to be followed through to the end regardless of the number of children’s tears. 

     OK, have you ever seen The Jetsons?  Do you remember the opening title?  Just as the picture came up and the song began, we zoom through space until we see Earth.  Then there is this little flurry of triangles that seem to explode over the screen.  Then we cut to George flying through towering high-rise houses that loom high over Earth’s ground level.  Yes, it was still Earth.  But why did they need to live up so high?  To escape the radiation.  Those cute, fuzzy, post-70’s triangles were the nuclear holocaust.  And do you know how I know?  Because somebody somewhere suggested it.  Positactical Definarium. 

     So that’s what we’re up to, gang.  It’s time, we the people, start turning our homes and apartment complexes into Post-Buckminster Fullerian, Birdhouse-On-A-Giant-Elevator Tube-Style concept homes and our automobiles into personal or family-sized zeppelins.  Think tall and floaty.  Creativity is a luxury we cannot afford, citizens.  Perhaps a splash of color here or there would be OK (preferably not light blue.  We need to see your home clearly and remember, we’re flying zeppelins).  If you have time to paint racing stripes on your home, attach spoilers or wings to it, or make it look like a big robot head, that means you also have time to help others — and that will be noted.   But hurriedness does note denote sloppiness.  Please remember to mask any exposed nails – we are flying ZEPPELINS.  

     Next, we will need to protect our foundations from the lava.  The best thing, I’ve heard, to stop lava, is either diversion or living creatures.  So, consider a amount, the thought required for global lava diversion.  Now, consider how amazingly well we’ve treated our animal brothers and sisters over the years.  Let’s face it, they owe us.  And it’s time they paid up.  You’re going to want to pack that base with all the animal you can find.  Think big.  You’re going to want some antelope in there for sure.  But keep going.  Boars, gnus, panthers, koalas, gorillas, wolves…they all owe us.  But I cannot stress this enough – only FLIGTLESS birds.  Ostrich are great.  We’ll get to “why” in a minute.  Just pack and pack.  Your animal wall can never be too hairy or too thick.  And remember, bats are great for stuffing in the gaps. 

     So with your lava wall thick with gorilla, it’s time to take the elevator up and begin our new lives, high above the over-priced day-old bread, wanton friend-requesting, and bar soap.  Here, things will slow down.  Much will be the same as before.  But we’re going to be eating a lot of BIRD, people.  That’s why we didn’t pack them into our wall.  And as our clothes grow out of fashion and are tossed into the lava below, we will be wearing a lot of bird.  And also, most of the new sports we design will be bird-ball based.

     And that is as far as I can prepare you, citizens.  I do not know the fine points.  Positactical Definarium does not allow for it.  I do not know how we will park our zeppelins when we go to our neighbor’s houses to eat bird.  I do not know how to incorporate central AC into your homes.  And I don’t know what the scoring system of Bird-Ball will be.  But I do know this – it will be bet upon.  

Think Tall And Floaty.

ARMAGEDDON IT? — PART 1

    We here at A Guide To Life & The Universe & You’re Welcome want to make one thing clear.  We are not affiliated with any major religion.  Or minor religion.  We have at times, however, succumbed to fashion trends, pop music trends, and I must admit, I did even subscribe to the whole 10 CD’s for a penny thing.

      Needless to say, that shook my faith in pennies to an uncomfortable degree.  We still look at each other cock-eyed.  Lousy manipulative pennies.  Yeah, I see you there.  Do I pick you up or is it easier to let the vacuum claim you?  FINE, I’ll pick you up…but only because I hate that rattling sound.

      That being said, it’s time to prepare you for the Apocalypse.

       I know what you’re thinking.  Grimes!  Kabbara!  Are you actually suggesting the inevitability of the biblical Apocalypse?  No.  The only things inevitable in this world are sports gambling and our fear and distrust of all things Sleestakian.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t get you guys ready.

      In this special 2-part installment, we will tell you what to expect and how to prepare.  Through our tireless examinations, endless confrontations, and unmitigated badgering, we feel we have the information you will need when and if the Apocalypse takes place.

 PART A – WHAT TO EXPECT.

      Will we be struck by deadly plagues, famines, and earthquakes?  Will the sky turn dark and the oceans turn to blood?  And will the antichrist emerge to fight the final battle between good and evil, you ask?  

      Well, our skies are dark with raining dead black birds, our waters are filled with dead fish, and oceans of blood?  Maybe not.  But how about waterways of Beef Fat?  I’m looking in your direction, Houston.  And let’s not forget about water spouts.  Have you seen those things!?  Look them up.  What the hell is that all about?  No thank you.

     So with these few and un-researched clues as factual evidence of a possible up-coming apocalypse, what can we expect? 

      From what I’ve come to realize, the Apocalypse will have it all.  It will not limit itself to broad brush strokes of brimstone and fire.  Oh no.  It’ll be the specifics that will really stick the staples in our rump roasts.  Try these on for size…

      - Ground wells will multiply at alarming rates and become more and more poorly marked.

      - Trees will learn to speak.  And with how we’ve treated them over the years, their ramblings will most likely be comprised of swearing, lambasting, and sexually inappropriate off-hand remarks.

      -Our wine will turn back to water.  Our whiskey will turn to Near Beer.  Our Near Beer will become even less like beer.  And our beer will become wine coolers.

      - Badminton will skyrocket in popularity.

      - Subways will change from their regularly scheduled routes to express routes with more random frequency even less appropriate notification.

      - Day old bread at bakeries will be sold at the same price as the fresh loaves.

      - All shampoo/conditioner combos will be separated and sold in their individual bottles.  Soap will be returned explicitly to bar form and pubic hairs will be even harder to get out for the next user.  You’ll have to really get in there with your fingernails.

     - Cell phones will lose their “send to voicemail” function and Facebook will allow all friend requests without your need of approval.    

      - Movies will cease to have previews and lose their MPAA ratings making it impossible for parents to determine their suitability.  Book production will cease due to all the verbally abusive trees and magazines will lose all advertisements, reducing their content by 90%.

      - The remainder of Lucas’ films (including the ones he executive produced) will all contain new digitally enhanced scenes with Jabba the Hut.  That includes you, “American Graffiti.”

      …to name a few.  Oh, and lava.  There will be a lot of lava.

      So now that you know what is potentially headed our way, please tune in next week to know the best way in which to prepare in our second part of our 2-part series of…

 ARMAGEDDON IT?

      Oh one more thing.  The Anti-Christ.  This I cannot speak intelligently on.  I have no idea if that battle will actually ensue.  All I know is that if it does, Mandalay Bay Casino will most likely win the venue bid including the Pay-Per-View rights.

      And from what I’ve pieced together at open bar functions, the Anti-Christ will most likely look like a combination of a lizard, a sheep, a bat, and Statler from the Muppets.  So keep a sharp eye and check back in next week:

ARMAGEDDON IT? — PART 1

     What is with all this chatter about the impending apocalypse?  I don’t read the news a lot (I get most of my information from the status updates on my Facebook), but lately there’s been some strange reports about birds falling out of the sky and fish going belly up and it’s not just on Dick Cheney’s estate!  I think I can explain some of this... 

     I recently heard of turtle doves taking nose dives into the dirt in Italy.  Uh, if memory serves, one doesn’t get to the partridge in the pear tree without two of these things.  Obviously, Christmas is over and they’ve served their purpose.  And fish have been found dead in Maryland?  Maybe they’re dying of broken hearts from the cold, lonely winter.  They have feelings too. 

     All right now hold on a minute, what’s this about a beef fat spill?  250,000 gallons of beef fat leaked into a river?!?!  In Texas?!?!  Now, I don’t know much about Texas, but I do know they love their beef fat.  This could only mean one thing... 

     The apocalypse is coming!  That or beef fat smoothies are going to become the next big diet trend (recipes to follow).  If you’re not familiar with the apocalypse, it’s the end of the world as we blah blah blah, something about fire and destruction, yadda yadda, everyone dies. 

     Oh, okay, just googled “upcoming apocalyptic thingy” and found that according to the Mayan calendar (which also has my birth year as 1979 and, as we all know, I’m only 27, so there’s some shoddy math right there) the world will come to end in the year 2012.  I picture it being a lot like Black Friday at Best Buy or a girls’ night watching the series finale of Project Runway.  In other words, it’s going to be brutal and by the time it’s over, you’re going to wonder what all the hubbub was about. 

So what can we really expect? 

     I honestly can’t say for sure, but the last time the world ended for me was when Buffy the Vampire Slayer went off the air after seven glorious seasons.  If my past experience is any indication of what we will endure (and it will be)…it’s going to get ugly.  I mean, I was screaming into pillows and sliding down walls in slow motion.  I couldn’t get Joss Whedon to return my calls.  I had nightmares that my best friend was sleeping with one of my favorite characters.  The word “wiggins” to describe something creepy became obsolete.  I tried sneaking into a crypt and a worm crawled its way onto my leg (EEEK!).  

     It was all so horrible.  I shudder just thinking about it. 

     Yeah, I’m almost certain the apocalypse is going to be just like that.  I fear for us all.  The good news is that we can prepare for it, you’ll just have to wait until next week to find out how.  That is, unless the world ends in the next week...